Zake, Mommy Is Learning to Be Ikhlas
Loving you, trusting Allah, and holding on to the hope that we will meet again.
Dear Zake, my little panda,
Ikhlas is such an easy word to say, but one of the hardest things to truly practice. People can say, “You have to be ikhlas,” or “You have to accept what Allah has written for you,” as if accepting everything is something we can do in the blink of an eye. But the truth is, my little boy, learning to be ikhlas is not as easy as saying the word. It is a journey that requires so much patience, courage, and faith. It means learning to accept something even when your heart is still breaking, learning to surrender to Allah’s plan even when you do not fully understand it, and learning to keep moving forward even when a part of your heart feels as though it will never be the same again.
Mommy is trying, Zake. Mommy is learning how to survive this pain, how to accept what has happened, and how to continue living with the memories of you. Every day, I remind myself that you belong to Allah and that one day, all of us will return to Him. I remind myself that Allah’s knowledge is greater than mine, that His plans are beyond my understanding, and that there must be wisdom in things that I cannot yet comprehend. I tell myself that I have to be strong, that I have to keep going, and that I have to trust the destiny He has written for our little family. But, Zake, even though Mommy is trying so hard to accept everything, my tears still fall whenever I remember you.
Sometimes, I can go about my day as usual. I can smile, talk to people, and do the things that need to be done. From the outside, perhaps I look like someone who is slowly learning to live with her loss. But then, something reminds me of you, and suddenly, all the sadness comes rushing back. It could be a memory of your tiny face, the thought of the days when you were still inside Mommy’s tummy, or the realization that I can no longer hold you in my arms. Sometimes, I do not even know why I am crying. I just miss you so much, and my heart cannot contain all the love I still have for you.
I am learning that being ikhlas does not mean that I have to stop crying. It does not mean that I must forget you, pretend that I am no longer hurting, or act as though losing you has not changed my life. It means that even while I cry, I still trust Allah. Even when I miss you until my chest feels heavy, I still believe that His decision is the best, even if I cannot understand it today. It means that I can love you endlessly, grieve for you honestly, and still surrender your beautiful little soul to the One who created you. Mommy may not have mastered the meaning of ikhlas yet, but I promise I will keep learning, one day at a time. For now, please be patient with Mommy, my little boy. My heart is trying its best.
A Love That Goes Beyond This World
People often say that Jannah, or Paradise, lies beneath a mother’s feet. Before becoming a mother, I understood those words as a beautiful reminder of how special mothers are in Islam. But after meeting you, holding you, and saying goodbye to you far sooner than I ever imagined, those words have taken on a different meaning in my heart. I sometimes wonder if you love Mommy and Papi so much that, instead of allowing us to hold on to you in this world, you became a means of hope for us to reach Jannah. It feels as though you have gone ahead of us, my precious son, leaving Mommy and Papi with a reason to keep striving to become better people and to hope that, by Allah’s mercy, we will be reunited with you in Paradise.
I do not know all the secrets of Allah’s plan, Zake. I cannot tell you exactly why your time in this world was so short, and I would never pretend to understand everything that happened. But I find comfort in believing that your life has a beautiful meaning, even if Mommy is still learning how to understand it. I hope that your presence in our lives will become a source of goodness for us, a reason for us to draw closer to Allah, and a reminder that this world is only temporary. Sometimes, a love that lasts only a few days can change two hearts forever.
And you, my little Zake, changed ours in ways that will never be undone.
The Prayers Mommy Made for You
Before you were born, Mommy often thought about what it meant to become your mother. I imagined all the things I would teach you, all the experiences we would share, and all the ordinary little moments that I once thought would be part of our everyday lives. I imagined watching you grow, hearing your laughter fill our home, seeing you learn new things, and holding your hand as you discovered the world around you. I imagined being there whenever you needed comfort, kissing your little forehead before you slept, and watching you become your own person. There were so many dreams, Zake, so many little pictures of the future that Mommy and Papi had begun to build in our hearts.
In our faith, we learn about the knowledge and decree of Allah, and sometimes Mommy thinks about the mystery of the soul and the beautiful ways Allah brings people into one another’s lives. I imagine, in my own heart, that before you came into this world, you accepted the journey that would bring you to Mommy and Papi. I imagine you choosing us, even knowing that our time together would be short. That thought brings Mommy both sadness and comfort. Sadness, because I wish I could have given you a longer life filled with all the love I had prepared for you. Comfort, because I feel so grateful that Allah allowed our paths to meet.
Mommy often prayed to Allah to give you the best destiny in His sight if you were to be born into this world. I did not know what that destiny would look like. I did not know how our story would unfold, and I certainly did not know that our time together would be measured in days rather than years. But I prayed for you, Zake. I prayed for your goodness, your happiness, your protection, and your future. I prayed that you would grow into a righteous son, a sholeh child who would bring goodness to your family, your religion, and your country. I prayed that you would become someone who lived with kindness, faith, and a good heart.
I never asked Allah for you to have a long life simply for the sake of having more years. What Mommy truly wanted was for you to have a life filled with goodness, to become a righteous child, and to be someone whose existence brought benefit to others. Of course, like any mother, I secretly dreamed of having you beside me for as long as possible. I wanted to see your first steps, hear your first words, and watch you grow older. I wanted to see what your face would look like when you became a toddler, a little boy, a teenager, and eventually a grown man.
But Allah knew the story that Mommy did not know. Now, Mommy is trying to believe that the destiny written for you was the best one for you, even though it is the most painful one for me to accept. I am trying to trust that Allah, who created you and entrusted you to us, knows you better than Mommy ever could.
Five Days That Changed Our Forever
Five days may sound so short to the rest of the world. Five days may seem like barely enough time to get to know someone. But for Mommy and Papi, those five days were the days when our dreams became real. You were no longer just the little baby we imagined, the little one we talked about, or the tiny person we waited to meet. You were Zake. You were our son. You were the little boy whose face we could finally see, whose cry we could finally hear, and whose presence made us parents in the most beautiful and unforgettable way.
I am so happy that you chose us, Zake. I am happy that you gave us the title of Mommy and Papi. I am happy that you allowed me to experience the miracle of giving birth to you. I am happy that, even for a little while, we were able to welcome you into this world and call you our own. If I could go back and choose again, knowing how painful our goodbye would be, I would still be grateful for the chance to have you. Because even though losing you has broken my heart, having you has given my life a kind of love I will never regret.
Mommy is grateful that I was given the chance to give birth to you, to hear your very first cry, and to see your face for the first time. That first meeting will always be a part of my story. I wish I could have welcomed you into a future filled with all the things I had prepared for you, but I am grateful that I was able to meet you at all. You were real, Zake. You were here. You were loved. You are loved. And no amount of time can ever take those truths away from us.
I am grateful that I had the opportunity to change your diapers, even though I wish I could have changed them thousands of times more. I am grateful that I got to look at your little face, even though I wish I could wake up every morning and see it again. I am grateful that I had the chance to see your little smile, even though I wish I could have watched you smile at Mommy and Papi every day as you grew older. Every little thing that might seem ordinary to other parents has become precious to me.
And most of all, I am grateful that I was able to hold you in my arms. I wish I could have held you longer. I wish I could have hugged you from the very first moment you were born. I wish I had known how little time we would have together, so I could have held you closer, kissed your cheeks more often, and treasured every second without ever looking away. But life did not give Mommy the chance to know that our time would be so short.
Mommy Is Sorry, My Little Boy
Mommy is sorry, Zake. I am sorry that I could not hug you from the moment you were born. I am sorry that I could only hold you in my arms on your last day. There are so many feelings in my heart when I think about that. I wish I could have been there in the way I had always imagined a mother would be. I wish I could have wrapped my arms around you earlier and made you feel the warmth of Mommy’s embrace. I wish I could have held you while you were still here, with more time to look at you and whisper how much I loved you.
If only I could have known, my little boy. But Mommy does not want you to remember our story only through my regrets. I want you to know that you were loved from the very beginning. You were loved while you were still growing inside my tummy. You were loved in every prayer I made for you. You were loved in every dream Mommy and Papi created for our future together. And when I finally held you, even though it was not as early or as long as I had hoped, I loved you with everything I had.
I hope, somehow, that the warmth of Mommy’s love reached you. I hope you knew that you were never unwanted, never forgotten, and never alone in our hearts. Mommy and Papi were proud of you, not because of anything you had to achieve, but simply because you were our son. You never had to do anything to deserve our love. You never had to grow up, become successful, or prove yourself to anyone. You were already enough, exactly as you were. You were our little Zake, and that was more than enough to make us proud.
The Pain No One Prepared Mommy For
People often say that giving birth is painful, and of course, Mommy knows how much physical strength it takes to bring a baby into the world. But there is another kind of pain that I never imagined I would experience: the pain of going through the postpartum period while my baby is no longer beside me. The pain of recovering from childbirth while my arms are empty. The pain of feeling my body continue to prepare milk for a little boy who is no longer here to drink it.
Zake, I do not know how to describe that feeling in words that can fully explain it. My body still remembers that I was your home. My body went through so many changes to carry you, nourish you, and bring you into this world. And now, while Mommy is trying to understand how to live without you beside me, my body is still going through the physical process of becoming a mother. My milk continues to come in, and sometimes that feels like one of the cruelest reminders of everything that has changed. My body is doing what it was designed to do for my baby, but my baby is not here.
Sometimes, the pain is not only in my heart. It is in my body, too. It is in the physical discomfort, the exhaustion, the changes I have to go through, and the quiet moments when I am reminded that I should have been caring for you. I should have been feeding you, changing your diapers, holding you close, and learning how to understand your little cries. Instead, Mommy is learning how to recover from giving birth while also learning how to live with the loss of the little person I gave birth to.
I never imagined that motherhood could feel this way. I thought I would be tired from taking care of you. I thought I would be learning your sleeping schedule, figuring out how to soothe you, and adjusting to life with a newborn in our home. Instead, Mommy is counting the days since we said goodbye. And that is a reality I am still learning to accept.
But even in this pain, I want to remind myself that my body is not my enemy. My body carried you. My body gave you a home before the world ever got to meet you. My body worked so hard to bring you here. And even though the physical reminders of your absence are difficult to face, I want to treat myself with kindness as I recover. Mommy deserves time to heal, both physically and emotionally. I may not be able to rush the process, and I may not know how long it will take, but I will try to be gentle with myself.
May You Be Safe in Allah’s Care
I believe that you are no longer experiencing the pain and struggles of this world, my son. I pray that Allah has surrounded you with peace, mercy, and happiness beyond anything we could imagine. I pray that you are safe in His care and that you will never have to experience suffering again. When I think about you, I try to imagine you in a place without pain, without fear, and without all the difficulties that human beings must face in this temporary world.
Of course, I wish you could be here with us. I wish you could have grown up surrounded by the love of your family. I wish you could have experienced the beauty of the world, felt the warmth of the sunshine on your face, and heard Mommy and Papi calling your name every day. But if your journey in this world had to be short, then Mommy prays that your next chapter is filled with a peace that never ends.
I pray that Allah protects you in ways that Mommy can no longer do with her own hands. I pray that He takes care of you more beautifully than I ever could. I pray that He grants you a place in Jannah and allows your little soul to remain under His mercy. And I pray that one day, when the time is right and Allah has forgiven us and granted us His mercy, Mommy and Papi will be able to meet you again.
Until then, please wait for us, my little boy.
Mommy and Papi Will Keep Trying
Mommy and Papi promise that we will keep trying to become better people. We promise to work on ourselves, to strengthen our faith, and to keep asking Allah for guidance and forgiveness. We know that we are not perfect. We know that we have weaknesses, shortcomings, and many things we still need to improve. But we want to use the time Allah has given us in this world to become people who are worthy of His mercy.
We want to learn to be more patient, more grateful, more sincere, and more faithful. We want to learn how to accept the things we cannot change without losing our trust in Allah. We want to be people who remember Him not only when our hearts are broken, but also when life is beautiful. We want to keep praying, keep doing good, and keep trying to live in a way that brings goodness to others.
We cannot promise that we will never feel sad. We cannot promise that Mommy will never cry when she remembers you, or that Papi will never feel the emptiness of your absence. We cannot promise that every day will be easy, because healing is not a straight road. Some days may feel lighter, while other days may bring back the sadness we thought we had already learned to carry.
But we promise that we will keep trying. We promise to keep turning to Allah when we feel lost. We promise to keep asking Him to strengthen our hearts and guide our steps. We promise to remember you with love, to make du’a for you, and to allow your presence in our lives to remind us of what truly matters. We promise to keep living, even when living feels difficult, because our time in this world is also a trust from Allah.
And, Zake, Mommy hopes that Allah keeps our hearts firm in faith. May He help us remain istiqomah in our worship and in our daily lives. May He protect us from losing our way when we feel overwhelmed by sadness. May He guide us toward goodness and make us people who are always trying to return to Him.
A Little Panda From Papi
And now, I want to tell you something a little different, something that might make you smile if you could see Mommy right now. Yesterday, Papi gave Mommy a gift. Do you know what it was, Zake? It was a panda doll!
Yes, my little boy, a cute, soft, cuddly panda. And the moment I saw it, I thought about you. You know how Mommy always said that I wanted to make you look like a panda because pandas are so cute, chubby, and adorable? Mommy used to imagine you as a tiny little panda, with your round cheeks, your sweet little face, and your adorable expressions. I imagined dressing you in cute little clothes, taking pictures of you, and calling you my little panda whenever I wanted to cuddle you.
I imagined holding you close to my chest, kissing your cheeks, and telling you how cute you were. I imagined Papi looking at you with that proud father’s smile while Mommy kept saying, “Look at our little panda! Isn’t he the cutest baby in the whole world?” I imagined all those ordinary, happy moments that I thought would naturally become part of our lives.
And now, Papi has given Mommy a panda doll. It is such a simple gift, but it carries so much meaning for me. Maybe Papi remembers how often I talked about wanting to make you look like a cute little panda. Maybe he knows that this little doll can remind me of you, even if it can never replace the warmth of your little body in my arms. Maybe he simply wanted to give Mommy something soft to hug on the days when she misses you the most.
Whatever his reason, I am grateful for that little panda. When I look at it, I think about the baby I once imagined holding. I think about all the little things I wanted to do with you. I think about how I wanted to make you laugh, how I wanted to see you grow, and how I wanted to fill our home with memories of you. The panda reminds me of a future that Mommy had dreamed of, but it also reminds me that those dreams came from a real love for a real little boy.
You were not just an idea in Mommy’s imagination. You were not just a dream that passed through my mind. You were my baby. You were the little person I carried inside my tummy, the little boy I waited for, the son I gave birth to, and the child I will always love.
And even though I cannot dress you up as a panda now, I can still smile when I see one. I can still imagine your tiny face and think about how adorable you would have looked. I can still tell stories about you and share the little dreams I once had for you. I can still love you in all the ways that remain possible.
Maybe, for now, this little panda will become one of the things that helps Mommy feel close to you. Maybe I will hug it when I miss you, hold it when I need comfort, or keep it somewhere special as a reminder of you and Papi’s love. It will never be you, Zake, and Mommy knows that. But it can be a small, precious reminder of the love that surrounds your name.
Thank you, Papi, for this little gift. And thank you, Zake, for giving Mommy and Papi so many reasons to love each other more deeply through this journey. Even in the middle of our sadness, we are learning to take care of each other, to hold each other a little closer, and to remember that we are walking through this experience together.
You Will Always Be Our Son
Papi is Mommy’s hero, too. I know that he carries his own sadness, even when he does not always express it in the same way I do. He was waiting for you, just as Mommy was. He had his own dreams of becoming your father, holding you, teaching you, and watching you grow. He wanted to see you experience the world and to give you the best life he could.
Now, he is learning how to live with your absence while still trying to take care of Mommy. And Mommy is so grateful for him. I am grateful that we have each other, that we can share the memories of you, and that we can remind each other that our little family will always include you.
We may not be able to see you sitting beside us. We may not be able to hear your cries or hold your tiny hands. But you will always be a part of our story. You will always be the little boy who made us Mommy and Papi. You will always be the son whose arrival changed our lives and whose goodbye taught us how fragile this world can be.
Zake, I want you to know that Mommy is not giving up on learning to be ikhlas. There will still be days when I cry. There will still be moments when I wish things had turned out differently. There will still be times when I look at other mothers holding their babies and wonder what our life would have been like if you were still here. I may still feel a quiet ache when I see baby clothes, little shoes, or the things I once imagined buying for you.
But I will keep reminding myself that my sadness does not mean I have forgotten Allah’s mercy. My tears do not mean I have stopped trusting Him. Missing you does not mean that I am unwilling to accept His decree. It simply means that I am your mother. And a mother’s love does not disappear just because her child is no longer physically beside her.
I will always be your Mommy, Zake. Even as you grow beyond my sight, even as the world continues to change, and even as the days turn into months and the months into years, that part of my heart will never change. You will always have a place in my life that no one else can ever fill. No matter how much time passes, I will never stop being grateful that Allah chose me to be your mother.
I will carry your name in my prayers. I will carry your memory in my heart. I will carry the lessons you have left behind as I continue to walk through this world. And whenever I feel that I am becoming too overwhelmed by sadness, I will try to remember the beautiful part of our story: that I was once given the privilege of carrying you, meeting you, holding you, and loving you in person.
Not every mother gets the amount of time she dreams of with her child. Our story was not what I expected, and I would never pretend that it does not hurt. But I do not want the pain of losing you to erase the gratitude I feel for having you. I want to make room for both. I want to be able to cry because I miss you and smile because I was lucky enough to know you. I want to remember the difficult parts of our journey without forgetting how beautiful it was to become your mother.
You were here, and Mommy loved you.
You were here, and Papi loved you.
You were here, and you made us parents.
That is something no goodbye can ever change. Perhaps this is what Mommy’s journey toward ikhlas will look like. Not a life without tears, but a life in which I slowly learn to carry my tears with faith. Not a heart that no longer aches, but a heart that continues to trust Allah even while it aches. Not forgetting the little boy I lost, but learning to remember him with gratitude as well as longing.
I will keep asking Allah to help me. I will keep praying for patience. I will keep asking Him to make this difficult journey a means of bringing me closer to Him rather than further away. And I will keep hoping that the love I have for you will become one of the reasons I strive to live a better life.
Until We Meet Again, InshaAllah
My dear Zake, if there is one thing I want you to know, it is this: Mommy does not regret having you, even for a single moment. I do not regret the journey that brought you into my life. I do not regret the days I spent waiting for you. I do not regret giving birth to you, meeting you, or loving you. Yes, the goodbye hurts more than I could ever have imagined. Yes, I wish we had been given more time. Yes, there are moments when I still struggle to understand why our story had to be this way.
But if the price of knowing you was that I would one day have to miss you this much, I would still be grateful that I got to know you at all. Because you are worth loving, Zake. You have always been worth loving. And you will always be worth remembering.
Thank you for choosing Mommy and Papi as your parents. Thank you for allowing us to experience the miracle of your arrival. Thank you for the first cry that announced your presence, the little face that Mommy will never forget, and the tiny moments that became precious memories. Thank you for teaching us that even a short life can leave a love that lasts far beyond the time we were given together.
I hope that one day, when I look back on this part of my life, I will be able to see not only the pain of losing you but also the strength Allah helped me find along the way. I hope I will see how much your little life changed me, how much it taught me about love and surrender, and how it encouraged Mommy to keep becoming a better person.
And until the day Allah allows us to meet again, I will keep doing my best here. I will take care of myself. I will take care of Papi. I will try to be patient with my own healing. I will continue to pray, to learn, and to seek Allah’s forgiveness and mercy. I will try to remain istiqomah, even when the road feels difficult. And I will keep making du’a that Allah grants us all a beautiful reunion in Jannah.
Please wait for Mommy and Papi, my little panda. We have so much love left to give you, so many hugs we still wish we could share, and so many kisses that we never got the chance to give. I hope that, by Allah’s mercy, there will come a day when none of those hugs will have to end and none of those kisses will have to be our last.
One day, I hope I can hold you again without fear. One day, I hope there will be no more tears of goodbye. One day, I hope all the questions that Mommy carries in her heart will no longer hurt, because Allah will have replaced our sadness with a happiness greater than anything we could have imagined.
Until then, my son, let Mommy keep learning. Let Mommy cry when she misses you. Let Mommy smile when she remembers you. Let Mommy hug the little panda that Papi gave her. And let Mommy continue to love you in every way she can.
May Allah protect you in His mercy. May He grant you a beautiful place in Jannah. May He accept our prayers, forgive our shortcomings, strengthen our faith, and guide us to live our lives in a way that pleases Him. And may He grant Mommy and Papi the opportunity to meet you again when our time in this world is complete.
I love you in the memories of the days we shared.
I love you in the tears that fall when I miss you.
I love you in the prayers I whisper when no one else can hear.
I love you in the dreams I once had for you and in the hope I now hold for our reunion.
And I will love you for as long as Allah allows me to live. Wait for us in Jannah, my little panda.
Mommy and Papi will keep trying our best to find our way there, by Allah’s mercy.
Your Mommy, who will always love you.
Love you forever, Zake. Until we meet again, inshaAllah. ♡
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